Whoever makes in on the front page of Germany’s biggest and most influential newspaper, bild.de, has made it. Unless the headline is a saucy one. In that case the person covered has the fame and also the damage. Bild-Zeitung’s headlines are almost always saucy. However, when it comes to Chilly Gonzales, the impossible occurs: He has made it on the front page with a saucy headline, but without the danger of entering the history books as the piano-bitch or “Klavier-Casanova”. “5 Reasons Why His Music is Like Good Sex”, that’s the title of the article, which reads like the love letter of an impeded dirty-talker (which leads us again to the illustrious species of journalists). Still, the article is a climax, despite its sexual references – or maybe because? –, yet only a minor and certainly not a multiple one. Chilly Gonzales himself doesn’t seem too happy with it, according to a Twitter-reply. The article itself says that he “had made a little fuss” before approving the “theory”. That’s probably the price one has to pay when dealing with the devil of newspapers.
Let’s have a look at those five reasons, why Chilly Gonzales’ music has the power to replace the bed pas de deux.
1. “Because he delivers a perfect blend of tenderness and tackiness”
What the author tries to say: Chilly Gonzales is a man of melancholy and megalomania at the same time – on stage. During his shows, the audience experiences a wide array of emotions. It’s open to dispute whether the word “tackiness” is suitable here. One is for sure: It’s due to the tight language corset – it has to sound “dirty”, otherwise it doesn’t fit into the sex image.
2. “Because he ranges between ecstatic passion and technical perfection”
What the author tries to say: enthusiasm and passion pair with skills. This sentence could be part of any article about Gonzales and describes him quite well. It’s a pity that in this pseudo-erotic context it sounds like the teaser to a soft porn flick.
3. “Because he proves that true intimacy has to be dirty”
What the author tries to say: A bathrobe is an unusual stage outfit. Gonzales specifically uses it to virtually invite people into his living room and create an atmosphere of intimacy. If there’s anything dirty about that, it doesn’t come out of the article. In any case, what women’s magazine says that intimacy has to be dirty?
4. “Because he especially likes it in public”
What the author tries to say: Chilly Gonzales loves to play live. That’s something one can feel after each show – even though he probably plays more than 150 of them. The client is king and only a happy audience is a good audience. He would do anything to please his customers and so at the end, rivers of sweat flow from his forehead and his hands move at light speed.
5. “Because you are excited, relaxed, moved and a little in love afterwards”
What the author tries to say: Point 1 inevitably leads to point 5. Chilly Gonzales’ humour opens the heart, his music enters it. As a result one leaves each concert with that silly smile on might have on his face after having fantastic sex.
So what’s the conclusion here? It is obvious that the author did some homework aka research and pretty much summed up what is special about Chilly Gonzales. How necessary it is to make use of clumsy popular or rather puberty erotic, remains undecided. Unfortunately, it stays a secret, whether the author, “C. Mohr”, is male or female. Most likely the latter. Finally, it’s only consequent to light up the post-coital , sorry: post-read cigarette and become pregnant with the hope, that not only this woman, but also more and more people “fall slightly in love” with the works of Chilly Gonzales.